12/8/13-1/16/14: Days 162-201

So I survived the 31 days of “running” in December! OK, I missed one day (because I was sick and had a fever). I still almost ran that day.  But I didn’t-I’m getting smarter J I did make up for it by doubling up on another day. Yes, I’m a bit obsessive. And there was a week in there where I wasn’t feeling well, so a couple of days I simply went out and walked a couple of miles. So “running” included walking, walk/running, running, and elliptical. But I did it everyday! And I ended up logging just over a hundred miles for the month, which for me is fantastic! Very happy with that result. I haven’t run as much in January, but I’m still trying to run at least 2-3 times/week. But I’m also increasing my other training. I’m trying to do everything a minimum of 2-3 times/week: running, swimming, biking, and strength/yoga.

So I’m increasing my training and trying to ease myself into following an official plan.  Sometimes I think this blog should really be called, “From zero to ironman in 365 days.” With some handstands thrown in for fun, of course! (http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11284/5-reasons-you-should-do-handstands-every-day.html) I have made the decision to create my own training plan this year. While I loved working with a coach last year and I would love to do so again, it’s simply not in the budget right now. Also, given my health, I feel that I would need to work with a coach on a more intensive level so that the plan could be catered to me very specifically (this of course costs more). So I’m going to have a plan to follow, but the main goal is going to be to listen to my body. I feel that’s definitely one of my lessons with this whole thing and certainly easier said than done. But my hope is to use the plan as a guideline, do what’s best for me, and to stay healthy.

Wait, stay healthy? Not, get healthy? While I would not say that I’m “cured” or that I’m 100%, I am having more and more good days. More and more days where I feel like myself again. More days where I can push harder and recover quicker. More days where I feel happier. Turns out I’m happier when I have energy and I can do things that I enjoy J Who knew!? I am feeling incredibly grateful for those good days.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I almost always feel better after doing yoga. It’s almost as if I feel like I’m getting my gymnastics body back. Now I’m nowhere near as strong or as flexible as I used to be, but it’s like my body remembers. I don’t know if that’s actually possible of not, but that’s what it feels like. I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling more flexible. I’m feeling more like me. And I feel like that’s something that I’ve been missing for a long time.

I’m also loving the mental aspect of yoga. One of my favorite teachers has a mantra, “Yes you can.” It’s simple but powerful. So often, especially when we’re facing a challenge or struggling, it is so easy to think or say, “I can’t do that.” The words, “I can’t” are uttered all too often and effortlessly. So change that pattern, change that mantra. “Yes you can.” So next time you catch yourself feeling defeated or uttering, “I can’t do that,” change it. State the opposite, try it, and see what happens.

11/23/13-12/7/13: Days 147-161

Hot yoga, 31 days of running, and NO turkey trot.

So I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things and trying to train more. I’m still playing with that line of pushing myself, but not too hard. It’s tough because when I feel good, I want to go go go! But sometimes I push too hard and I don’t recover too quickly. I’m trying to avoid the one step forward, two steps back thing. I also don’t want to slip back into old habits and make myself sick again (not sure if that’s how it would work or not, but that’s my fear).

I’ve decided that I want to really focus on strength this year. I think it will help me be a better athlete, but also help with injury prevention. So I’ve been trying to do more yoga. I figure this is great for strength, flexibility, and stress reduction. One of the things I’ve learned from CFS is that I spend way too much time in “fight or flight” mode. I need to learn to chill out, activate my parasympathetic nervous system, and turn my brain off sometimes. I think yoga is a good way to do this.

So I signed up for a 10 day yoga pass at a studio down the street. They do Bikram yoga, which is hot! Like really sweaty hot. Good for detoxing too, I’m guessing? At first I was determined to go every day. I ended up going about every other day, which is OK. Don’t push too hard! My gym also offers really great yoga classes, so I’ll continue attending those.

Over the past couple of months, running has been on my mind. I kept thinking to myself, I need to start running again. I did the elliptical a few times and did a couple of walk/jogs. But for December I decided I am going to go for it! The goal: 31 days of running. Simple-run every single day in December. Now, did I pick a freakin cold month to do this? Yes. Maybe I didn’t think that part through. Although, I tend to do OK running in the cold. And a quiet, snowy, sunny run is one of my favorite things in the world. And there’s nothing like an every day challenge to motivate me to get out there on those cold, cloudy days. Even if getting out means driving to the gym J

I decided that going from almost no running (since June!) to running every day might fall into the “pushing too hard” category (see, I’m learning). So I decided to ease up on myself a bit and broaden my definition of “running.” For the purposes of my challenge, running includes actual running, jogging, walk/running, elliptical, and maybe even a long walk or hike if that’s what my body needs. So maybe it’s more of a 31 days of incessant forward motion challenge. And so far, so good. I’ve put in more miles in the last week then I have in the last six months. I believe that’s forward progress! And I got in one of those awesome sunny, snowy runs J

So why all this running and NO turkey trot? Well, because I was tired. I’ve always tried to do something on Thanksgiving. I love working out before indulging on all that food. So this year I was determined to run the turkey trot, go to hot yoga, or do both. So when I woke up exhausted and super stressed about how to fit it all in, I did something I never would have done in the past, I went back to bed. Sounds simple, but this decision took a lot of deliberation and over-thinking on my part. But one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes I need sleep more than I need to workout. And guess what, the world didn’t stop just because I missed a workout. Imagine that J Actually, I ended up having a great day, and because of the extra rest I had the energy to spend plenty of time with family and friends.

I’m trying to remember this lesson and put it into practice. I’ve had a few instances in the past month where I’ve wanted to make an early morning workout, but didn’t get enough sleep to really do it. Each time has been a battle of deciding whether to push myself or to rest. For some reason there’s a sense of pride in getting up early and pushing myself when I’m tired. But what I’m trying to remember is that I already know that I can push myself. I believe that pushing myself too hard is a big part of why I got into this whole chronic fatigue mess. So I already know that I can get up at (or before) 5am and do the workout, regardless of how tired I am. I know that I can push myself when I’m exhausted. I’ve proven that. And really, who am I proving it to? Why do I care? My new challenge, is to take some of that pressure off of myself and know that sometimes it’s OK to rest instead.

10/13/13-11/22/13: Days 106-146

Oops, I think I just went 40 days without writing. My initial thought is to come down on myself, beat myself up a little, and then vow to write everyday from here forward. BUT, maybe that’s not the answer. I recently gave a presentation for one of my classes and it was horrible. Or at least I thought it was horrible. I was almost in tears afterward because I was so frustrated with myself. The most frustrating part was preparing it. I’m learning that there are some cognitive side effects that come along with the chronic fatigue syndrome (foggy thinking, poor memory, difficulty concentrating) and it definitely made school more challenging this past quarter. When I described to my mom the process I had to go through to prepare that damn presentation, she said, “It’s like your computer’s broken.” Yes, that’s exactly what it was like. Anyway, after much debate, I decided to email my professor (not for sympathy or to ask for another chance-God knows I had no interest in spending another minute on that project) but to let her know what was going on. I wanted to let her know that I didn’t blow off the project, that I did put time into it, and that I was frustrated. Her response was profound. She assured me that not only was my work good enough, but that it was good work. She acknowledged that I was frustrated, but she commended me for doing good work in spite of what I was going through. And she encouraged me to hold myself to a different standard right now. Oh, and after I emailed her, I realized that the grades had been posted (prior to me contacting her): I earned an A. This got me thinking about the standards that I hold myself to. I’ve always been hard on myself: it’s almost instinctive. Just because it was “A” work, doesn’t mean I viewed it as being good work. I didn’t write in this blog for 40 days: I should beat myself up for that.  I’ve barely done any planks in the month of November: crap, I’m slacking. And then I think, wait, look at all I’m doing in spite of my circumstances. This school quarter was not easy: I had three different addresses during the 10 week quarter (that’s a lot of freakin moving), my brain isn’t working like it used to, my energy level is not where it used to be, and I simply don’t feel well a good portion of the time, and there’s no clear cut answer on how to fix it.

So, maybe it’s OK to give myself a break (not something that’s easy for me to do, but I’ll try).  Instead of beating myself up for what I haven’t done, I will focus on what I have done and what’s going well. I completed the 31 day plank challenge in October! I didn’t miss a single day. I walked the Denver Rock and Roll Half Marathon. This was a big one. This was my first race since June that I didn’t have to scratch. I had signed up to run the full marathon, prior to getting sick. By the time October rolled around, I knew it was questionable whether I should even walk the half. But I had been feeling a little better so I decided to do it. It was great. It was also humbling. Not that I’m a fast runner, but people who saw me (and didn’t know that I have been sick) gave me a hard time for walking. It gave me a whole new perspective; you see a whole different crowd when you’re walking at the back of the pack. It was refreshing: people in costumes, people of all shapes and sizes, people with inspirational stories to tell. People don’t usually chat with you when you’re running, gasping for air, and trying to set a new PR. But when you’re walking in the back of the pack, you’re probably there for a different reason. I met a guy who runs the race every year with his family and friends in honor of his brother that passed away. They decided that was a good way to direct their grief and energy toward something positive, and it gave them a chance to get together every year. What a great reason to race. So it was a long day and a slow walk, but I was out there and I finished.

There was definitely a week in October where something shifted. I had moments of, “I’m starting to feel like myself again.” This was awesome. But I also have to remember not to push too hard because I still have moments of, “I feel like total crap.” So it’s this fine line of pushing myself so I can start improving my fitness again, and not pushing too hard. I started doing the RMTC group swims again in October. And I’ve done a few RMTC group bike rides. Training with a group is hard right now because it’s hard not to push too hard when I’m with other people. I’m trying to take it easy, but I’m not always very good at this. The good news and the bad news is that I pay for it when that happens. It’s good because it keeps me in check, it’s bad because I don’t recover well and am usually really tired or sick for one or more days after. It comes back to those standards. I’m not going to be at the same level I was back in May and I can’t compare myself to other people. And, I keep reminding myself that it’s November. There is no rush (although I still feel the pressure of that ironman date) and this is not the time of year to be pushing really hard. After speaking with my doctor a couple of weeks ago, he said it could be up to six months before I’m able to really push hard again and that I need to be careful because pushing too hard right now is like taking one step forward and two steps back. There’s no need to dig this hole any deeper.

So I guess I should write something about press-handstands J It seems this blog is becoming about more than a press handstand. Maybe that’s the point. As my Dad would always say, “There’s more to life than gymnastics.” So if the lessons I learn in gymnastics and in triathlon can help me in life, then maybe that’s the point, maybe that’s what my Dad has been getting at all along. But physically, my quest to do a press handstand is really a quest to regain my strength. I really want to focus in on using my body weight as resistance and becoming gymnastics strong again. Well, my newest exercise is the pull-up! I am staying at a friend’s house for a couple of months (that’s a whole other story, and a situation for which I’m incredibly grateful). Anyway, he has a pull-up bar in his house. So every time (OK, not every time) I walk under the pull-up bar, I do at least one pull-up. Now, I should mention that, sadly, I can no longer do a pull-up L But I can modify it and do some sort of movement that slightly resembles a pull-up, and my hope is that I’ll regain this strength. It’s amazing to think of how strong I was in my gymnastics days, and how humbling it is to lose that strength. The other thing I want to do more of are leg lifts. I think pull-ups and leg lifts are two exercises that work a ton of different muscles. Guess what was sore after my first pull-up attempt… my abs! What!? I didn’t see that coming.  My only problem with the pull-up bar is that I’m a little bit afraid that it’s going to break away from the doorway and I’ll go crashing to the ground. We had a pull-up bar growing up and this definitely happened to my brother. Now, was he swinging on it and using it improperly? Well, probably. But still, that’d be a shitty way to get injured.

So, long story short, I’m making progress and trying to remember to hold myself to different standards right now.

10/3/13-10/12/13: Days 96-105

Holy cow – passed the 100 mark! Kinda scary.

Well, I can say that I’ve successfully stuck to my plank a day challenge. Yep, so far that’s 12 more planks than I did last month. And most of them are short (30-45 seconds each), but sometimes I do more than one (or do additional core work), and it’s better than nothing.

Also, I rode my bike today. I love to ride my bike, but today was humbling. I rode with a group that I used to ride with a couple years ago and we did a relatively easy route (about 30 miles with some mild climbing). I used to hang at the front of the group, but today I hung at the back (by myself) and it was hard. My heart rate shot up into the 180’s pretty quickly and I was huffing and puffing to climb some mild “hills.” I’m supposed to keep my heart rate down (like below 150), so I didn’t do so well in that department. I learned that I definitely need to choose some flatter routes for right now. But, at least I was back out on my bike. I think this contributes to my press handstand because I’m building overall fitness. It all adds up, right?

And it also ties in because what I secretly keep thinking about in the back of my mind is that this is sort of a countdown to my ironman. I feel like I’m going from zero to ironman in less than a year. And that really freaked me out today. As I was riding, I started thinking to myself, “How in the world am I going to do an Ironman in August if I can barely survive this easy 30 mile ride!?” And then I quickly remembered one of my ironman lessons: think about what you are doing while you are doing it. It does me absolutely no good to freak out about ironman 10 months from now while I’m on a bike ride today. Instead, I chose to focus on the moment and remind myself that at least I was back on my bike (instead of lying in my bed). And this is where I am, this is my starting point.

I recently read an article on over training syndrome and I can’t help but think that this has played a factor in my illness. One thing that the article said was that you have to have faith. Faith that sometimes not running is better than running (it was about over-trained ultra runners), and that you will come back stronger another day. So I choose to have faith: faith that resting and healing for four months was better than training and racing this season(not that my body gave me much of a choice on this one-but it seems that that’s part of my lesson here), faith that I will come back stronger. Faith that this big rest has better trained my body for something bigger and better down the road.  Faith that perhaps ironman training started back in May when my body began to fail me and decided that it was time to redirect course. Faith that I will regain my fitness.

9/17/13-10/2/13: Days 80-95

Moving, cleaning, and planks.

I’ll start with cleaning. How does cleaning relate to press handstands? Well, cleaning makes you stronger, and I need to be much, much stronger in order to do a press handstand. How does cleaning make you stronger? Well, if you’re out of shape and have lost a great deal of your muscle, then a few days of vigorous cleaning will make you sore. And if I’m sore, then I’m assuming my muscles are getting stronger, right? Is it a little sad that I’m sore from cleaning? Yes. But, it’s a step in the right direction. And one day I dream of cleaning without being sore the next day J Never thought I would gauge my strength level in this manner, but oh well.

Moving. Now moving is a more legitimate way to get sore muscles: at least in my book. And moving kicked my ass this past weekend! Holy cow. I’ve also realized that I probably own the world’s heaviest TV and maybe one of the oldest. While trying to carry that thing, I almost considered getting rid of it because hauling that massive thing around just wasn’t worth it (I’m feeling fortunate I didn’t take a tumble down the stairs with it-it was close).

Planks. So one of my facebook friends posted that she is doing a plank a day challenge for the month of October. And I thought, why not? That seems pretty manageable. And planks are awesome. I feel like they’re one of those core, invaluable strength exercises that work a bunch of important muscles. And one per day seems totally manageable.  So I’m going to step up and take the plank a day challenge for the month of October. Oh, and since it’s the 2^nd of the month, I did an extra plank today to account for yesterday. Actually I did two extra because I didn’t know what the date was. Ooops! Pretty sure if I keep that up, I’ll have a six-pack by Halloween J

Back to moving for a minute. Long story short, this move was a part of a big leap of faith, one of several big changes in my life. And I found myself dreading it. I loved my old apartment and my old neighborhood. I did not want to move at all. I was totally and completely in my comfort zone and I dug my heels in and resisted the change. In fact, I realized that I was terrified of the change. And then it occurred to me, “practice what you preach.” I lecture to my spin classes about the importance of going outside of your comfort zone. And here I was, totally terrified to step out of my comfort zone.  I realized that I am completely comfortable going outside of my comfort zone in the gym, so maybe I need to make sure I apply that skill to other areas of my life.  Every time I get a little scared or nervous or uncomfortable with what’s going on, I remind myself of the growth that happens outside of your comfort zone. I remind myself, that I know how to do this and that I practice this in my workouts all the time, and it makes me better.

I’m going off on a tangent here, but this was sort of an “Aha” moment for me. I was recently reading one of Martha Beck’s books and she talks about a few things that have really helped me with all of these changes in my life. One is the process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. She describes the process in detail and equates it to making a big change or transformation in your life. One of the things she mentions, that I really like, is that at one point in the process, the caterpillar kind of dissolves into some sort of goo like substance (I’m probably not remembering or wording this accurately). And when it does this, it’s like it completely breaks down, and it doesn’t resemble a caterpillar or a butterfly at this point. It’s like it has to completely break down into something else before it can become what it is supposed to be. This just reminds me that sometimes things have to fall apart before they can be put back together into something newer, bigger, and better. And it’s not a bad thing; it’s an important part of the process. So sometimes when we think we’re moving backwards, we may just be going through an important step in the process, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s OK, and even more, it’s necessary.

Another thing Martha Beck talks about is feeling trapped in a situation. She talks about his image of a man behind cell bars. Then when you pan out, you see the man holding two cell bars in front of his face (again, I didn’t describe that as well as she did. But if you’re interested, I would highly recommend any of her books. I think the one I’m referring to is Finding Your Own North Star). Anyway, the idea is that he is not really imprisoned. All he has to do is set down the bars. I really felt like this in my old job. I felt totally trapped. But every once in a while, I would have this really strong urge to quit. And it was this little glimpse of freedom and a feeling of relief. The realization that I had a choice in the matter was really powerful; all I had to do was set down the bars and I would be free. Then, of course, the moment would pass and I would freak out and think of all the reasons that I couldn’t possibly quit my job and I would feel trapped again. There are absolutely consequences for setting the bars down or for making a decision like that, but the fact that you have a choice is really powerful.  Anyway, to make a long story longer, I finally set down the bars, and now I feel like I’m melting down into a goo like substance, and it’s scary and it’s uncomfortable, but I’m hopeful that it will result in positive change. And, if nothing else, it’s resulted in stronger muscles from moving and cleaning J