I’ve been
struggling to write this blog post (hence the long gap between posts). I keep
starting it and then stopping out of frustration. Well, here’s the essence of
what I want to say, “I’m tired.” Overall I’m better than I was last year. I
know my health has improved, and I’m grateful for that. And I need to keep the
big picture in mind. As I started to feel better, I started to push myself
harder. Mentally, I was ready to go! I had a long break. Mentally, I was more
than ready to go. I was ready to dive head first into a full-on ironman
training plan. Unfortunately, my body was not quite so ready. But as I was
feeling better and better, I wanted to push harder and harder. But my body
couldn’t quite keep up with my mind. So I wasn’t following a training plan to a
T, but I was doing my best. And I was stressing about missed workouts. A
familiar pattern started to emerge: I was pushing through a lot of “tired.” I
was starting to rely on stimulants again, like caffeine and yerba mate. The
tough thing about training is that pushing your body is part of the game. You
push through tired and you get stronger. Given the CFS and adrenal fatigue
diagnosis last year, I am well aware that there is a line that can be crossed.
Crossing this line means you’ve pushed too hard and you do more damage then
good. So where is that line? In yoga, they teach you to find your edge (in
other words, or my interpretation, find the line). They also encourage you to
fall down; if you cross the line or go beyond your edge, then you know where
your edge is. When it comes to my energy level and pushing myself, I feel like
I’ve accepted the space on the other side of the line as normal for way too
long (like years and years). I don’t know if I’ve explained that well. But
basically it’s like I’m finally starting to wake up a little bit and I’m
realizing that it’s not normal to feel like crap most of the time. It’s like I
(symbolically) fell over a long time ago and over time just started to accept
this as my new normal. And now I’m like, oh, that’s not normal. In some aspects
it’s kind of nice; I’m realizing that I don’t have to beat myself up for not
utilizing every second of down time. Sometimes I don’t “want” to do something
simply because I’m tired. It’s not because I’m lazy or unmotivated. I’m really,
really tired.
So I think that
my 8 months of extreme resting started to dig me out my hole and put me on the
other side of the line. But with just a short amount of training and pushing
too hard, I’ve fallen down again and knocked myself right back onto the crappy
side of that line. I guess, keeping the bigger picture in mind, at least I’m
now aware of the line. I suppose that’s progress.
I’m not sure if
the CFS is still lingering or if it’s still the correct diagnosis. But I’m
almost certain that I still have adrenal fatigue. I’ve been researching it and
I definitely fit the criteria. In fact, there are varying degrees, and as I
look back, I suspect that I have been drifting along the adrenal fatigue
spectrum for quite sometime (like years). I think I’m just really good at
pushing myself, that I was able to ignore the symptoms, and just keep pushing
through. I believed that if I worked hard enough, I could do anything. But now,
it’s like the cumulative stress has added up enough that the symptoms are too
difficult to ignore. I finally realize that there’s a problem. It’s frustrating
because I thought that I was on the mend. And I was, or I am (I hope), but the
road to recovery is longer than I thought it was going to be. But that has also
been a trend throughout this journey.
I’ve always been
amazed at what my body could accomplish, but ironically, extremely disappointed
in it for the things I thought it should be able to do or the things it failed
to do. I think about all of the cumulative stresses I’ve put myself through
over the years. In high school, I had every minute of every day planned out: I
took honors classes; I did hours of homework every night; I did gymnastics 15+
hrs/wk; I did extra gymnastics conditioning at home every day; I also worked at
the gym cleaning and coaching, in order to help pay for my gymnastics fees. I
was constantly tired and always pushing through it. I got mono at 14 and it
took about 6 months to recover (not normal). I was eventually forced to retire
from gymnastics due to chronic injuries. I literally wore my body out. In
college, I found new ways to push my body. I drank a lot and stayed out late,
but still always managed to make it to class and maintain high GPA. In
addition, I was working out a lot and suffering from an eating disorder. I
often wonder how I endured all of that, and now I know that it catches up to
you eventually. I actually battled the eating disorder off and on for the
majority of my twenties. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this
is stressful to your body. I just didn’t realize that the effects would
continue down the road. I also think about my schedule prior to my CFS
diagnosis: I was working full-time, going to grad school full-time, training
for triathlons, and volunteering on the officer team for my triathlon. As they
say, hindsight is 20/20: it seems completely obvious that all of this was a
recipe for disaster. But when I was in it, I didn’t see it. I was focused on
working hard and pushing through. But what do you do when it all catches up to
you and you can no longer push?
So now what? I
don’t know exactly. I don’t think there’s one magic recipe to fix this. People
are different, and different things work for different people. There’s no
adrenal fatigue pill that I can take to make this go away. I know that I want
to feel better. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and have energy
(without stimulants) and feel good. I want to feel good enough to do all of the
things that I want to do.
I’m grateful
that I’m aware of the “line.” I’ll continue to try to figure out what my body
needs in order to heal and to stay on the good side of that line. I’ve
eliminated caffeine (I’ve still been using yerba mate on occasion). I’ve also
been sleeping and resting A LOT. I’m grateful that my schedule allows me to
rest, but resting a lot and not feeling rested is incredibly frustrating (and
also a symptom of adrenal fatigue). I’ve been skipping workouts and resting
instead.
But with every
skipped workout, I question whether it’s smart to pursue ironman at this point.
The thought of missing out on another tri season makes me sad. But the thought
of trying to push through “tired” in order to survive another tri season is not
appealing either. I’m tired of pushing. I’m tired of being tired. So I’m
undecided. Is it too soon to throw in the towel for the whole season? Part of
me holds onto the hope that good health is just around the corner. Although, I
thought the same thing last year. Truth is, I have no idea how long it will be
until I truly feel better. So for now, I’m going to try to be OK with the fact
that I don’t know. And I’m going to do my best to put my health first and get
myself on the healthy side of the “line.”
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