5/25/14-7/7/14: Days 325 and beyond

Well, the 365 day mark has come and gone, and that's OK. Press Handstand? No. But that's OK. So much has happened and changed in this last year...
On a long run the other day, I had an "aha" moment. It was a really tough long run and I really felt like I was struggling with each step. And it was oh so slow. So in my typical fashion, especially when I'm feeling fatigued, I started to beat myself up. The negative self talk started... I'm so slow. I'm not making any progress. I suck at running. Blah, blah, blah. But I kept moving forward anyway. And then it occurred to me, I'm doing the best I can. Given my circumstances, I'm doing the very best that I can with what I have available to me right now. And that's good enough. I can't beat myself up for what I can't do or what I think I should be able to do (well, I can, but it's pretty counter-productive). What I can do is give it my all and keep moving forward, and try to allow myself grace and acceptance for where I'm at. And to really keep that big picture in mind, keep things in perspective, and honor, appreciate, and celebrate where I'm at.
This last year has challenged me, changed me, and taken me far out of my comfort zone. My health isn't perfect or where I want it to be or where I think it should be. I still have my ups and downs and they're mostly still a mystery. But I'm so much healthier than when I started this blog, and I continue to move forward.

"Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it is exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time." -Asha Tyson

Days 268-324: 3/24/14-5/19/14

Wowza, it's been awhile. And day 365 is just around the corner! Time to start a new blog: 41 days to a press handstand :-)  It seems more important things have come up in the last year. Hmmm... making my health a priority... seems like this has been a lesson I've been learning.
Well, the last time I wrote, I was experiencing a health/energy "crash." At least this is what I've been calling it because I don't know what else to call it. The good news is that I've been climbing my way back from that crash and have not experienced another one. The frustrating news is that I don't know what caused it, I don't know what changed it for the better, and I'm not completely sure how to avoid another one.
When I last wrote, I was awaiting test results and was trying to make peace with the fact that I was probably going to have to sit out for another tri season. The test results were to determine whether I had adrenal fatigue and to what degree. Both my doctor and I were convinced that my adrenals were shot. However, the test results showed that they are functioning normally. Good news: no adrenal fatigue. Bad news: we still don't know what's causing my symptoms. With this knowledge, I decided to move forward with training, but only as I felt up to it. I've been slowing building my way back and my fitness seems to be steadily improving. I still have ups and downs in my health but thankfully, no crashes. I also had some extensive blood work done. The really good news is that the Epstein Barr Virus is no longer active (that was one of the main issues last year when I was diagnosed). The bad news is that there are various things that are out of optimal functioning range. So basically, I have a few different things that are "out of whack" including hormone levels and mineral levels and a few other things, but we don't know why or really, how to fix them. I'm still working with my functional medicine doctor to try to get things into balance. And I'm also doing my best to take good care of myself and get as much rest as possible. Fortunately, my schedule is still really flexible at this point, so I have lots of time to rest. So I still have ups and downs, but things seem to be improving overall.
So at this point, I'm moving forward with the triathlon season. My hope and my focus is still the same as it was in July of last year (when I registered for the race), that my health will continue to improve and I will be able to compete (in good health) at Ironman Boulder this year. The race is only about 11 weeks away (yikes). And as much as my brain wants my body to follow a training schedule, I'm not doing it. I'm choosing to listen to my body and train to the best of my ability as I feel up to it and rest when I need to. I'm doing my best to let go and trust that this is what is best for me right now. I keep remembering a quote I read in an article or a blog that said, "Sometimes you just need to trust that not working out is better than working out."
The interesting thing is, that I thought for sure the adrenal fatigue test had the answers that would determine my fate for the next year or so (takes up to 24 months to recover from adrenal fatigue). And I impatiently waited for the results (I thought I was going to go crazy and the lab probably hates me for calling so much). But the answer wasn't there. There's no concrete answer to this. As much as I would love to have a concrete diagnosis (CFS is an incredibly mysterious diagnosis) so I knew exactly what to expect, how to fix it, and how long it will take, I'm just not going to get one. And still, with every new thing I try, a small part of me holds out hope that this will be the thing that makes a significant difference. Because when you read about all of these different things I've tried, there is always someone writing about how great it made them feel and it solved all of their problems. I know it doesn't logically make sense, but part of me still holds out hope. I guess the thing is, since there is no magic pill or treatment and I don't ever feel significantly better over night, I have to keep reminding myself of the big picture and make note of the smaller moments, the slower progress. Overall, I am better than I was last year. And I have to believe that I am continuing to build back up.
On that note, I did lots of handstands the other day. We specifically worked on handstands in yoga. I tend to forget that handstands are not second nature for everyone, until I'm surrounded by people who may be working on them for the first time. So it was fun and I'm grateful that it's so easy for me to just turn my body upside down. I even did some jump to press handstands.
So will I be able to do an actual press handstand in 41 days? Well, unless there's some sort of miracle... probably not. But I kind of decided that the 365 day mark disappeared a while ago. I had this "Aha" moment during yoga one day. During a particularly difficult exercise, my teacher said, "You're already doing it. You're already there." For me, that meant, don't think of it as this finish line that you have to struggle to get to. You're already doing it, you're already there. It's like the saying/quote/cliche, "It's about the journey, not the destination." At that point the 365 day mark disappeared for me. I'm on the journey. And it's not that I don't believe in setting goals and having deadlines, because I do. I tend to thrive on structure and I love setting goals. But I think they better serve us when we use the deadlines and the goals to pull us forward in the journey. But then, we also need to be able to step back and see the bigger picture.

1/17/14-3/23/14: Days 202-267

I’ve been struggling to write this blog post (hence the long gap between posts). I keep starting it and then stopping out of frustration. Well, here’s the essence of what I want to say, “I’m tired.” Overall I’m better than I was last year. I know my health has improved, and I’m grateful for that. And I need to keep the big picture in mind. As I started to feel better, I started to push myself harder. Mentally, I was ready to go! I had a long break. Mentally, I was more than ready to go. I was ready to dive head first into a full-on ironman training plan. Unfortunately, my body was not quite so ready. But as I was feeling better and better, I wanted to push harder and harder. But my body couldn’t quite keep up with my mind. So I wasn’t following a training plan to a T, but I was doing my best. And I was stressing about missed workouts. A familiar pattern started to emerge: I was pushing through a lot of “tired.” I was starting to rely on stimulants again, like caffeine and yerba mate. The tough thing about training is that pushing your body is part of the game. You push through tired and you get stronger. Given the CFS and adrenal fatigue diagnosis last year, I am well aware that there is a line that can be crossed. Crossing this line means you’ve pushed too hard and you do more damage then good. So where is that line? In yoga, they teach you to find your edge (in other words, or my interpretation, find the line). They also encourage you to fall down; if you cross the line or go beyond your edge, then you know where your edge is. When it comes to my energy level and pushing myself, I feel like I’ve accepted the space on the other side of the line as normal for way too long (like years and years). I don’t know if I’ve explained that well. But basically it’s like I’m finally starting to wake up a little bit and I’m realizing that it’s not normal to feel like crap most of the time. It’s like I (symbolically) fell over a long time ago and over time just started to accept this as my new normal. And now I’m like, oh, that’s not normal. In some aspects it’s kind of nice; I’m realizing that I don’t have to beat myself up for not utilizing every second of down time. Sometimes I don’t “want” to do something simply because I’m tired. It’s not because I’m lazy or unmotivated. I’m really, really tired.

So I think that my 8 months of extreme resting started to dig me out my hole and put me on the other side of the line. But with just a short amount of training and pushing too hard, I’ve fallen down again and knocked myself right back onto the crappy side of that line. I guess, keeping the bigger picture in mind, at least I’m now aware of the line. I suppose that’s progress.

I’m not sure if the CFS is still lingering or if it’s still the correct diagnosis. But I’m almost certain that I still have adrenal fatigue. I’ve been researching it and I definitely fit the criteria. In fact, there are varying degrees, and as I look back, I suspect that I have been drifting along the adrenal fatigue spectrum for quite sometime (like years). I think I’m just really good at pushing myself, that I was able to ignore the symptoms, and just keep pushing through. I believed that if I worked hard enough, I could do anything. But now, it’s like the cumulative stress has added up enough that the symptoms are too difficult to ignore. I finally realize that there’s a problem. It’s frustrating because I thought that I was on the mend. And I was, or I am (I hope), but the road to recovery is longer than I thought it was going to be. But that has also been a trend throughout this journey.

I’ve always been amazed at what my body could accomplish, but ironically, extremely disappointed in it for the things I thought it should be able to do or the things it failed to do. I think about all of the cumulative stresses I’ve put myself through over the years. In high school, I had every minute of every day planned out: I took honors classes; I did hours of homework every night; I did gymnastics 15+ hrs/wk; I did extra gymnastics conditioning at home every day; I also worked at the gym cleaning and coaching, in order to help pay for my gymnastics fees. I was constantly tired and always pushing through it. I got mono at 14 and it took about 6 months to recover (not normal). I was eventually forced to retire from gymnastics due to chronic injuries. I literally wore my body out. In college, I found new ways to push my body. I drank a lot and stayed out late, but still always managed to make it to class and maintain high GPA. In addition, I was working out a lot and suffering from an eating disorder. I often wonder how I endured all of that, and now I know that it catches up to you eventually. I actually battled the eating disorder off and on for the majority of my twenties. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this is stressful to your body. I just didn’t realize that the effects would continue down the road. I also think about my schedule prior to my CFS diagnosis: I was working full-time, going to grad school full-time, training for triathlons, and volunteering on the officer team for my triathlon. As they say, hindsight is 20/20: it seems completely obvious that all of this was a recipe for disaster. But when I was in it, I didn’t see it. I was focused on working hard and pushing through. But what do you do when it all catches up to you and you can no longer push?

So now what? I don’t know exactly. I don’t think there’s one magic recipe to fix this. People are different, and different things work for different people. There’s no adrenal fatigue pill that I can take to make this go away. I know that I want to feel better. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and have energy (without stimulants) and feel good. I want to feel good enough to do all of the things that I want to do.

I’m grateful that I’m aware of the “line.” I’ll continue to try to figure out what my body needs in order to heal and to stay on the good side of that line. I’ve eliminated caffeine (I’ve still been using yerba mate on occasion). I’ve also been sleeping and resting A LOT. I’m grateful that my schedule allows me to rest, but resting a lot and not feeling rested is incredibly frustrating (and also a symptom of adrenal fatigue). I’ve been skipping workouts and resting instead.

But with every skipped workout, I question whether it’s smart to pursue ironman at this point. The thought of missing out on another tri season makes me sad. But the thought of trying to push through “tired” in order to survive another tri season is not appealing either. I’m tired of pushing. I’m tired of being tired. So I’m undecided. Is it too soon to throw in the towel for the whole season? Part of me holds onto the hope that good health is just around the corner. Although, I thought the same thing last year. Truth is, I have no idea how long it will be until I truly feel better. So for now, I’m going to try to be OK with the fact that I don’t know. And I’m going to do my best to put my health first and get myself on the healthy side of the “line.”

12/8/13-1/16/14: Days 162-201

So I survived the 31 days of “running” in December! OK, I missed one day (because I was sick and had a fever). I still almost ran that day.  But I didn’t-I’m getting smarter J I did make up for it by doubling up on another day. Yes, I’m a bit obsessive. And there was a week in there where I wasn’t feeling well, so a couple of days I simply went out and walked a couple of miles. So “running” included walking, walk/running, running, and elliptical. But I did it everyday! And I ended up logging just over a hundred miles for the month, which for me is fantastic! Very happy with that result. I haven’t run as much in January, but I’m still trying to run at least 2-3 times/week. But I’m also increasing my other training. I’m trying to do everything a minimum of 2-3 times/week: running, swimming, biking, and strength/yoga.

So I’m increasing my training and trying to ease myself into following an official plan.  Sometimes I think this blog should really be called, “From zero to ironman in 365 days.” With some handstands thrown in for fun, of course! (http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11284/5-reasons-you-should-do-handstands-every-day.html) I have made the decision to create my own training plan this year. While I loved working with a coach last year and I would love to do so again, it’s simply not in the budget right now. Also, given my health, I feel that I would need to work with a coach on a more intensive level so that the plan could be catered to me very specifically (this of course costs more). So I’m going to have a plan to follow, but the main goal is going to be to listen to my body. I feel that’s definitely one of my lessons with this whole thing and certainly easier said than done. But my hope is to use the plan as a guideline, do what’s best for me, and to stay healthy.

Wait, stay healthy? Not, get healthy? While I would not say that I’m “cured” or that I’m 100%, I am having more and more good days. More and more days where I feel like myself again. More days where I can push harder and recover quicker. More days where I feel happier. Turns out I’m happier when I have energy and I can do things that I enjoy J Who knew!? I am feeling incredibly grateful for those good days.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I almost always feel better after doing yoga. It’s almost as if I feel like I’m getting my gymnastics body back. Now I’m nowhere near as strong or as flexible as I used to be, but it’s like my body remembers. I don’t know if that’s actually possible of not, but that’s what it feels like. I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling more flexible. I’m feeling more like me. And I feel like that’s something that I’ve been missing for a long time.

I’m also loving the mental aspect of yoga. One of my favorite teachers has a mantra, “Yes you can.” It’s simple but powerful. So often, especially when we’re facing a challenge or struggling, it is so easy to think or say, “I can’t do that.” The words, “I can’t” are uttered all too often and effortlessly. So change that pattern, change that mantra. “Yes you can.” So next time you catch yourself feeling defeated or uttering, “I can’t do that,” change it. State the opposite, try it, and see what happens.

11/23/13-12/7/13: Days 147-161

Hot yoga, 31 days of running, and NO turkey trot.

So I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things and trying to train more. I’m still playing with that line of pushing myself, but not too hard. It’s tough because when I feel good, I want to go go go! But sometimes I push too hard and I don’t recover too quickly. I’m trying to avoid the one step forward, two steps back thing. I also don’t want to slip back into old habits and make myself sick again (not sure if that’s how it would work or not, but that’s my fear).

I’ve decided that I want to really focus on strength this year. I think it will help me be a better athlete, but also help with injury prevention. So I’ve been trying to do more yoga. I figure this is great for strength, flexibility, and stress reduction. One of the things I’ve learned from CFS is that I spend way too much time in “fight or flight” mode. I need to learn to chill out, activate my parasympathetic nervous system, and turn my brain off sometimes. I think yoga is a good way to do this.

So I signed up for a 10 day yoga pass at a studio down the street. They do Bikram yoga, which is hot! Like really sweaty hot. Good for detoxing too, I’m guessing? At first I was determined to go every day. I ended up going about every other day, which is OK. Don’t push too hard! My gym also offers really great yoga classes, so I’ll continue attending those.

Over the past couple of months, running has been on my mind. I kept thinking to myself, I need to start running again. I did the elliptical a few times and did a couple of walk/jogs. But for December I decided I am going to go for it! The goal: 31 days of running. Simple-run every single day in December. Now, did I pick a freakin cold month to do this? Yes. Maybe I didn’t think that part through. Although, I tend to do OK running in the cold. And a quiet, snowy, sunny run is one of my favorite things in the world. And there’s nothing like an every day challenge to motivate me to get out there on those cold, cloudy days. Even if getting out means driving to the gym J

I decided that going from almost no running (since June!) to running every day might fall into the “pushing too hard” category (see, I’m learning). So I decided to ease up on myself a bit and broaden my definition of “running.” For the purposes of my challenge, running includes actual running, jogging, walk/running, elliptical, and maybe even a long walk or hike if that’s what my body needs. So maybe it’s more of a 31 days of incessant forward motion challenge. And so far, so good. I’ve put in more miles in the last week then I have in the last six months. I believe that’s forward progress! And I got in one of those awesome sunny, snowy runs J

So why all this running and NO turkey trot? Well, because I was tired. I’ve always tried to do something on Thanksgiving. I love working out before indulging on all that food. So this year I was determined to run the turkey trot, go to hot yoga, or do both. So when I woke up exhausted and super stressed about how to fit it all in, I did something I never would have done in the past, I went back to bed. Sounds simple, but this decision took a lot of deliberation and over-thinking on my part. But one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes I need sleep more than I need to workout. And guess what, the world didn’t stop just because I missed a workout. Imagine that J Actually, I ended up having a great day, and because of the extra rest I had the energy to spend plenty of time with family and friends.

I’m trying to remember this lesson and put it into practice. I’ve had a few instances in the past month where I’ve wanted to make an early morning workout, but didn’t get enough sleep to really do it. Each time has been a battle of deciding whether to push myself or to rest. For some reason there’s a sense of pride in getting up early and pushing myself when I’m tired. But what I’m trying to remember is that I already know that I can push myself. I believe that pushing myself too hard is a big part of why I got into this whole chronic fatigue mess. So I already know that I can get up at (or before) 5am and do the workout, regardless of how tired I am. I know that I can push myself when I’m exhausted. I’ve proven that. And really, who am I proving it to? Why do I care? My new challenge, is to take some of that pressure off of myself and know that sometimes it’s OK to rest instead.

10/13/13-11/22/13: Days 106-146

Oops, I think I just went 40 days without writing. My initial thought is to come down on myself, beat myself up a little, and then vow to write everyday from here forward. BUT, maybe that’s not the answer. I recently gave a presentation for one of my classes and it was horrible. Or at least I thought it was horrible. I was almost in tears afterward because I was so frustrated with myself. The most frustrating part was preparing it. I’m learning that there are some cognitive side effects that come along with the chronic fatigue syndrome (foggy thinking, poor memory, difficulty concentrating) and it definitely made school more challenging this past quarter. When I described to my mom the process I had to go through to prepare that damn presentation, she said, “It’s like your computer’s broken.” Yes, that’s exactly what it was like. Anyway, after much debate, I decided to email my professor (not for sympathy or to ask for another chance-God knows I had no interest in spending another minute on that project) but to let her know what was going on. I wanted to let her know that I didn’t blow off the project, that I did put time into it, and that I was frustrated. Her response was profound. She assured me that not only was my work good enough, but that it was good work. She acknowledged that I was frustrated, but she commended me for doing good work in spite of what I was going through. And she encouraged me to hold myself to a different standard right now. Oh, and after I emailed her, I realized that the grades had been posted (prior to me contacting her): I earned an A. This got me thinking about the standards that I hold myself to. I’ve always been hard on myself: it’s almost instinctive. Just because it was “A” work, doesn’t mean I viewed it as being good work. I didn’t write in this blog for 40 days: I should beat myself up for that.  I’ve barely done any planks in the month of November: crap, I’m slacking. And then I think, wait, look at all I’m doing in spite of my circumstances. This school quarter was not easy: I had three different addresses during the 10 week quarter (that’s a lot of freakin moving), my brain isn’t working like it used to, my energy level is not where it used to be, and I simply don’t feel well a good portion of the time, and there’s no clear cut answer on how to fix it.

So, maybe it’s OK to give myself a break (not something that’s easy for me to do, but I’ll try).  Instead of beating myself up for what I haven’t done, I will focus on what I have done and what’s going well. I completed the 31 day plank challenge in October! I didn’t miss a single day. I walked the Denver Rock and Roll Half Marathon. This was a big one. This was my first race since June that I didn’t have to scratch. I had signed up to run the full marathon, prior to getting sick. By the time October rolled around, I knew it was questionable whether I should even walk the half. But I had been feeling a little better so I decided to do it. It was great. It was also humbling. Not that I’m a fast runner, but people who saw me (and didn’t know that I have been sick) gave me a hard time for walking. It gave me a whole new perspective; you see a whole different crowd when you’re walking at the back of the pack. It was refreshing: people in costumes, people of all shapes and sizes, people with inspirational stories to tell. People don’t usually chat with you when you’re running, gasping for air, and trying to set a new PR. But when you’re walking in the back of the pack, you’re probably there for a different reason. I met a guy who runs the race every year with his family and friends in honor of his brother that passed away. They decided that was a good way to direct their grief and energy toward something positive, and it gave them a chance to get together every year. What a great reason to race. So it was a long day and a slow walk, but I was out there and I finished.

There was definitely a week in October where something shifted. I had moments of, “I’m starting to feel like myself again.” This was awesome. But I also have to remember not to push too hard because I still have moments of, “I feel like total crap.” So it’s this fine line of pushing myself so I can start improving my fitness again, and not pushing too hard. I started doing the RMTC group swims again in October. And I’ve done a few RMTC group bike rides. Training with a group is hard right now because it’s hard not to push too hard when I’m with other people. I’m trying to take it easy, but I’m not always very good at this. The good news and the bad news is that I pay for it when that happens. It’s good because it keeps me in check, it’s bad because I don’t recover well and am usually really tired or sick for one or more days after. It comes back to those standards. I’m not going to be at the same level I was back in May and I can’t compare myself to other people. And, I keep reminding myself that it’s November. There is no rush (although I still feel the pressure of that ironman date) and this is not the time of year to be pushing really hard. After speaking with my doctor a couple of weeks ago, he said it could be up to six months before I’m able to really push hard again and that I need to be careful because pushing too hard right now is like taking one step forward and two steps back. There’s no need to dig this hole any deeper.

So I guess I should write something about press-handstands J It seems this blog is becoming about more than a press handstand. Maybe that’s the point. As my Dad would always say, “There’s more to life than gymnastics.” So if the lessons I learn in gymnastics and in triathlon can help me in life, then maybe that’s the point, maybe that’s what my Dad has been getting at all along. But physically, my quest to do a press handstand is really a quest to regain my strength. I really want to focus in on using my body weight as resistance and becoming gymnastics strong again. Well, my newest exercise is the pull-up! I am staying at a friend’s house for a couple of months (that’s a whole other story, and a situation for which I’m incredibly grateful). Anyway, he has a pull-up bar in his house. So every time (OK, not every time) I walk under the pull-up bar, I do at least one pull-up. Now, I should mention that, sadly, I can no longer do a pull-up L But I can modify it and do some sort of movement that slightly resembles a pull-up, and my hope is that I’ll regain this strength. It’s amazing to think of how strong I was in my gymnastics days, and how humbling it is to lose that strength. The other thing I want to do more of are leg lifts. I think pull-ups and leg lifts are two exercises that work a ton of different muscles. Guess what was sore after my first pull-up attempt… my abs! What!? I didn’t see that coming.  My only problem with the pull-up bar is that I’m a little bit afraid that it’s going to break away from the doorway and I’ll go crashing to the ground. We had a pull-up bar growing up and this definitely happened to my brother. Now, was he swinging on it and using it improperly? Well, probably. But still, that’d be a shitty way to get injured.

So, long story short, I’m making progress and trying to remember to hold myself to different standards right now.