Wowza, it's been awhile. And day 365 is just around the corner! Time to start a new blog: 41 days to a press handstand :-) It seems more important things have come up in the last year. Hmmm... making my health a priority... seems like this has been a lesson I've been learning.
Well, the last time I wrote, I was experiencing a health/energy "crash." At least this is what I've been calling it because I don't know what else to call it. The good news is that I've been climbing my way back from that crash and have not experienced another one. The frustrating news is that I don't know what caused it, I don't know what changed it for the better, and I'm not completely sure how to avoid another one.
When I last wrote, I was awaiting test results and was trying to make peace with the fact that I was probably going to have to sit out for another tri season. The test results were to determine whether I had adrenal fatigue and to what degree. Both my doctor and I were convinced that my adrenals were shot. However, the test results showed that they are functioning normally. Good news: no adrenal fatigue. Bad news: we still don't know what's causing my symptoms. With this knowledge, I decided to move forward with training, but only as I felt up to it. I've been slowing building my way back and my fitness seems to be steadily improving. I still have ups and downs in my health but thankfully, no crashes. I also had some extensive blood work done. The really good news is that the Epstein Barr Virus is no longer active (that was one of the main issues last year when I was diagnosed). The bad news is that there are various things that are out of optimal functioning range. So basically, I have a few different things that are "out of whack" including hormone levels and mineral levels and a few other things, but we don't know why or really, how to fix them. I'm still working with my functional medicine doctor to try to get things into balance. And I'm also doing my best to take good care of myself and get as much rest as possible. Fortunately, my schedule is still really flexible at this point, so I have lots of time to rest. So I still have ups and downs, but things seem to be improving overall.
So at this point, I'm moving forward with the triathlon season. My hope and my focus is still the same as it was in July of last year (when I registered for the race), that my health will continue to improve and I will be able to compete (in good health) at Ironman Boulder this year. The race is only about 11 weeks away (yikes). And as much as my brain wants my body to follow a training schedule, I'm not doing it. I'm choosing to listen to my body and train to the best of my ability as I feel up to it and rest when I need to. I'm doing my best to let go and trust that this is what is best for me right now. I keep remembering a quote I read in an article or a blog that said, "Sometimes you just need to trust that not working out is better than working out."
The interesting thing is, that I thought for sure the adrenal fatigue test had the answers that would determine my fate for the next year or so (takes up to 24 months to recover from adrenal fatigue). And I impatiently waited for the results (I thought I was going to go crazy and the lab probably hates me for calling so much). But the answer wasn't there. There's no concrete answer to this. As much as I would love to have a concrete diagnosis (CFS is an incredibly mysterious diagnosis) so I knew exactly what to expect, how to fix it, and how long it will take, I'm just not going to get one. And still, with every new thing I try, a small part of me holds out hope that this will be the thing that makes a significant difference. Because when you read about all of these different things I've tried, there is always someone writing about how great it made them feel and it solved all of their problems. I know it doesn't logically make sense, but part of me still holds out hope. I guess the thing is, since there is no magic pill or treatment and I don't ever feel significantly better over night, I have to keep reminding myself of the big picture and make note of the smaller moments, the slower progress. Overall, I am better than I was last year. And I have to believe that I am continuing to build back up.
On that note, I did lots of handstands the other day. We specifically worked on handstands in yoga. I tend to forget that handstands are not second nature for everyone, until I'm surrounded by people who may be working on them for the first time. So it was fun and I'm grateful that it's so easy for me to just turn my body upside down. I even did some jump to press handstands.
So will I be able to do an actual press handstand in 41 days? Well, unless there's some sort of miracle... probably not. But I kind of decided that the 365 day mark disappeared a while ago. I had this "Aha" moment during yoga one day. During a particularly difficult exercise, my teacher said, "You're already doing it. You're already there." For me, that meant, don't think of it as this finish line that you have to struggle to get to. You're already doing it, you're already there. It's like the saying/quote/cliche, "It's about the journey, not the destination." At that point the 365 day mark disappeared for me. I'm on the journey. And it's not that I don't believe in setting goals and having deadlines, because I do. I tend to thrive on structure and I love setting goals. But I think they better serve us when we use the deadlines and the goals to pull us forward in the journey. But then, we also need to be able to step back and see the bigger picture.
